This is my personal blog where you can expect me to write down my thoughts, day to day.
I have an eating disorder.. well have recently relapsed for the fourth time.
I will use this blog to help me write down my thoughts, to help me get through.
♥
Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
So, I have spent the past week in Sydney to see Lady Gaga and my little monster friends etc…
It was such an amazing trip, and I was so happy to meet all of the people from twitter, and meet lady gaga + see her live, but it was bad for me in so many ways.. well it has made things bad..
I was relapsing pretty badly before I went, and as soon as I got there I knew there would be no boundaries for me in regards to food.. So I did not eat one thing from Monday night, until Friday night.. All I had during that time was green tea, Panadol, my pill, and alcohol.. which was such a mistake. It’s all catching up to me now I’m back, but half the time I was in Sydney I was trying so hard to hide the fact I felt like passing out half of the time.. I don’t know how I got through that. On the Thursday night I had 3 alcoholic drinks and I don’t even remember what happened because it hit me so hard.. To make things worse I found out on the last day I was there that I failed one of my topics for uni, and I couldn’t stop crying that day, because of that and a lot of other things just built up I guess, and I was exhausted from lack of sleep. I feel like I ruined everyones time whilst I was there, and in some ways I guess I regret going, but I know if I hadn’t of gone I wouldn’t have met Gaga and all these amazing people so I shouldn’t complain… I just feel like now I have had the one week without the boundaries I would normally have, I’m so much worse off.. my relapse may have turned in to something a lot bigger.. and I don’t know how much longer I will be able to cope with it all.. I have no one to talk to, and no one understands.. it’s just really hard to cope sometimes when this happens :/
sometimes like at the moment, I just feel like the world would be so much better off without me..
(Source: photography-pictures)
It’s weird, that this comes to a point where it isn’t even about food or weight loss anymore. The only thing this gives me now is sanity when I’m really not coping with everything. It’s what I do when I can’t talk to anyone. It’s killing me, but it keeps me going at the same time.
I just got a blood nose from purging tonight. I have never had a blood nose before. I’m scared.
So, today was a really bad day for me. I think all of this stress has caught up to me, and then one argument with my dad set me off. I purged my dinner as soon as my family left to take the dogs on a walk. I threw up a lot of blood too.. now I am just really, really exhausted.
I ate a lot more today than I normally do. I ate breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. I kind of feel sick at the thought of eating that much. I’m trying to distract myself from my thoughts, from purging. It’s hard.
